Munch Etiquette: A Guide for Newcomers to the BDSM Community
One of the most frequently discussed topics in the BDSM community is proper etiquette at munches. For those new to the scene, munches are casual social gatherings typically held in public venues such as cafés, bars, or restaurants, where people with an interest in kink can meet, chat, and build connections in a relaxed, non-play environment.
Recently, there has been increasing discussion about the structure and regulations of some of the larger munches, especially in Australia, with organizers implementing stricter guidelines to ensure a respectful and welcoming atmosphere. If you’re a newcomer, it’s essential to understand and follow proper munch etiquette to make the most of your experience. This guide will help you navigate your first munch successfully!
Munches Are for Socializing, Not for Hooking Up
One of the biggest misconceptions newcomers have is that munches are places to find play partners or romantic connections. While it’s possible to meet people with shared interests, the primary purpose of a munch is to socialize, make friends, and become part of the community—not to pick up partners.
If your sole intention is to hit on people, you may make others uncomfortable. Instead, approach munches with an open mind and a willingness to engage in genuine conversations. Relationships—whether platonic, play-based, or romantic—develop naturally over time within the community.
Additionally, refrain from going around asking individuals about their roles in the scene or whether they’re interested in playing. These discussions should happen organically and only when appropriate. Above all, remember to respect personal boundaries—never touch anyone without their explicit consent.
Since everyone is dressed in everyday clothing and formal dynamics (such as collars) are often not displayed at munches, you may not immediately know if someone is already in a dynamic with another person. This is why approaching others with respect and courtesy is crucial.
Respect the Vanilla Setting
Munches are typically hosted in public, non-kink-specific spaces, meaning certain rules are in place to maintain discretion and respect for the venue. Standard rules often include no fetish wear, no collars, and absolutely no playing at the event.
Despite these guidelines, some attendees may try to bring kink gear or engage in light play. However, it’s essential to remember that munches are not play parties, and any behavior that crosses this line can jeopardize the event’s ability to continue at the venue. Organizers work hard to establish relationships with these locations, so respecting their efforts by following the rules is the best way to ensure munches remain available.
Before attending, familiarize yourself with the specific rules of the munch you’re planning to visit. Each event may have slightly different expectations, so doing a little research beforehand can help you avoid any missteps.
Privacy Is a Top Priority
A common concern at munches is running into someone you know from outside the kink scene—be it a coworker, family friend, or former classmate. If this happens, the golden rule is to respect their privacy.
Rather than reacting with shock or surprise, simply acknowledge them as you would any other attendee. If you both feel comfortable, you might even bond over your shared interest in the scene. However, under no circumstances should you disclose their involvement in kink to mutual acquaintances. Outing someone without their consent can have serious consequences, potentially affecting their personal and professional lives.
This principle extends beyond people you already know. When discussing others in the community, avoid sharing personal details such as real names, workplaces, or addresses unless you have explicit permission to do so. Protecting people’s privacy is a cornerstone of maintaining a safe and respectful BDSM community.
Be Friendly and Engage with Others
While etiquette and rules are important, munches are also meant to be enjoyable! Most attendees are friendly and welcoming to newcomers, so don’t be afraid to introduce yourself and strike up conversations. If you’re feeling nervous, remember that everyone was new to the scene at some point. The first step—attending a munch—is often the hardest, but once you get past that initial hesitation, you’ll likely find it much easier to connect with people.
A great way to break the ice is by approaching a group and listening in on the conversation before contributing. Asking general questions about the community, events, or people’s experiences can be a good starting point. Over time, as you attend more events, you’ll develop natural friendships and feel more comfortable.
Final Thoughts
Munches are an excellent way to integrate into the BDSM community in a low-pressure environment. By respecting boundaries, following venue rules, valuing privacy, and embracing the social aspect, you’ll set yourself up for a positive and enriching experience.
Remember, everyone is there to connect and share their interest in kink in a safe and respectful way. Keep an open mind, be courteous, and most importantly, enjoy yourself!