The Dangers of Non-Consensual Choking & Why It’s a Serious Issue

Lauren, 35, met a man while on vacation, and their connection felt natural. After bonding over pizza and spending more time together, things escalated physically. Initially, he was patient and considerate—he respected her boundaries when she wasn’t ready to kiss and even cared for her when she got sick. However, things took a dark turn during sex.

“He’s twice my weight, on top of me, and suddenly wraps his hands around my neck without warning,” she recalls. “There was no discussion, no safe word—just shock and fear as I wondered if I was about to be suffocated.”

She tried to object, but his grip prevented her from speaking. Fear set in—was this an aggressive act, a misread signal, or something more dangerous?

Lauren’s experience is far from unique. A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that nearly one in four women have felt scared during sex. Of the 347 respondents who described frightening encounters, 23 specifically mentioned choking.

Why Is Non-Consensual Choking So Common?

You might be surprised at how widespread non-consensual choking has become. Some assume it’s a normal part of sex, unaware of the dangers and the importance of consent.

“This troubling trend highlights a significant misunderstanding of consent and sexual boundaries,” says licensed professional counselor Tammer Malaty.

One major issue is the lack of comprehensive sex education. According to the National Center for Health Statistics’ National Survey of Family Growth, many young people don’t receive adequate sexual education. Even when they do, discussions about kink and breath play are typically absent. As a result, people often turn to pornography to learn about sex.

The Role of Porn in Normalizing Choking

While pornography isn’t solely responsible for the rise in non-consensual choking, it contributes to the misconception that choking is a standard or expected part of sex.

Porn director Erika Lust told The Guardian that choking scenes have become increasingly prevalent in mainstream adult films. What was once a niche BDSM act is now portrayed as a common sexual behavior.

However, what viewers don’t see is the behind-the-scenes preparation: adult performers consent to these acts, receive safety briefings, and operate under strict guidelines. This isn’t the case in real-life sexual encounters.

“Mainstream media often portrays aggressive or violent sex without emphasizing the importance of communication, consent, or the potential dangers involved,” says certified sex therapist Dr. Aliyah Moore.

Strangulation, even in a sexual context, carries serious risks, including unconsciousness, brain damage, and even death. There have been real-world cases where choking-related incidents have led to manslaughter or murder charges.

The Pressure to Accept Choking

Another issue is that some men assume choking is what women want, while some women feel pressured to accept it.

Many men believe choking is expected, while some women hesitate to speak up out of fear of being labeled “boring” or “vanilla.” As author Rachel Thompson notes in Rough: How Violence Has Found Its Way Into the Bedroom, societal expectations can make women feel uncomfortable rejecting acts like choking, even when they dislike them.

When men engage in choking as a “default move” rather than a mutually desired act, pleasure takes a backseat. But pleasure—not coercion—should be the foundation of any sexual experience.

The Difference Between Non-Consensual & Consensual Choking

Worried about crossing the line? Here’s what you need to know: consent isn’t just the absence of a “no”—it’s the presence of a clear, enthusiastic “yes.”

Consent must be ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time. Just because someone agreed to choking once doesn’t mean they’re comfortable with it again. Consent also requires discussion—how much pressure will be used? What are the safety precautions? What’s the safe word?

“Some men may not realize that what they see as intimacy could actually be harming their partner,” says Malaty.

Lauren’s experience is a cautionary tale. She liked the man she was seeing—until he choked her without warning. “It changed everything,” she says. “I went from feeling attracted to him to being afraid of him.”

Practicing Safe & Respectful Breath Play

To ensure safety and avoid trauma, here are some essential steps before attempting choking during sex:

• Discuss it first. Talk about your interests and concerns before engaging in breath play.
• Establish boundaries. How much pressure is acceptable? Is choking even something both partners genuinely want?
• Set a safe word. Since choking can affect speech, also use a non-verbal safe signal.
• Be mindful of risks. Even with consent, strangulation can cause injury.
• Check in before, during, and after. Ensure your partner feels comfortable and respected at every stage.

“Consent isn’t just about getting permission—it’s about fostering trust, communication, and mutual pleasure,” says Dr. Moore.

Having open conversations about sexual boundaries can prevent situations from escalating into assault. Sex should be an enjoyable and empowering experience for all parties involved, and that starts with respect, consent, and care.